Scary

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” So said American horror fiction author H. P. Lovecraft.

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Lately I have been so scared of everything. I wake up scared. Driving is scary. Making plans to leave home, take a new seasonal river guide job somewhere I’ve never been with no one I have met before is terrifying. Knowing I will have to leave the man I am with and go on my next steps alone is sad and scary.

Fear feels like such a huge, almost overwhelming emotion to work with.

I’m scared of losing more of the people that I love in weird, instant accidents. I am scared of myself being in a serious accident. I am scared of being alive a lot of the time lately.

But I wake up every morning, practice a few breathing exercises, meditate, and talk positively to myself. I wake up and face all these fears and do my best to move through them gracefully with care for myself and others.

I face all these terrifying fears because the alternative is worse.

The alternative is to hide, to stay at home behind the security of walls and doors, warm and cozy in my bed with Netflix showing an endless stream of shows – hiding away to avoid all that is scary. Eventually, however, that life turns into a lonely and boring one with no meaning and no purpose. Living in the grey, numb, monotony of all that perceived security turns into its’ own prison.

I hope these feelings of fear fade.

I hope it is just residual resonating energy from the shock of losing my Dad, and that these vibrating energies within me will settle.

When people die, that is permanent.

Emotions, feelings, they are temporary and ever changing.

While what has happened can never change, I know the way I feel can. There is fear in the unknown, but there is also hope. Hope for happiness, love and fulfillment.

My greatest joys have come from my greatest unknowns. Friendships, lovers, adventures… I needed the space of the unknown to have room for those new experiences. From those experiences where I set off into something unknown and uncertain, I have learned more and grown more than I ever could have lying in my bed at home watching Netflix.

A comfort zone is  a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.

So here’s a cheers to the unknown and all the possibilities of beauty we can cultivate and grow there.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Scary

  1. I really like this post Nichole! I can relate to it so much. There have been times when my whole world imploded around me and as safe as it was in my room, that was not living. I gave myself assignments to find things that made me happy again, with the inner agreement that it was ok to drop a new hobby or whim if it didn’t bring me joy. Sometimes it scares me to go live, really live; but that’s ok because I have some special angels who seem to be there encouraging me forward. I bet you have a couple too!! I can’t wait to read about your next adventure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much for sharing that, Jill. I agree that it is totally OK to drop hobbies that don’t make you happy. And thank you for reading!!

      Like

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